Hey Baby, What’s Wrong?

There are few things that irritate me as much as waiting outside someone’s house during rush hour because they’re not ready.  I’m kidding, there are plenty of things that irritate me that much.  Everything irritates me.


So I’m picking up a woman in mid-city (just the thought of mid-city makes me mad!).  I’m about to cancel because I’ve messaged her to no response and it’s been almost five minutes.  She finally comes out and slams first the door to her house and then the door to my car.


I don’t say anything, but sometimes I don’t really need to.  You know that feeling when you just know someone’s angry?  That’s largely the same feeling I try to exude when I drive for Uber.

Her destination is a bank on the West side of LA, which isn’t a terribly long drive.  I assume she’s going to work.  I fire up Waze and we get on our way.  That’s when she begins giving me directions.  “It says to take the 10 but don’t take the 10.”  My favorite type of California right here.

It was a short trip, and as much as I felt like arguing, I didn’t do it.  Just then she asks for a charger.  Bitch, you just came from your HOUSE.  Don’t they have chargers in mid-city? Again, it was a short trip so I lent her mine.  But then she makes a phone call, but since my charger is the one that came with my phone, it doesn’t extended very well to the back seat.  So she starts out by just leaning forward almost in my ear having a conversation, and then leans back and switches to speakerphone.  So no matter what, I’m gonna know the details of this call whether I like it or not.  And it sounds like it’s a fight with her boyfriend.


He was barely saying anything, because he was clearly gaslighting her about something.  From what I gathered, he’s insinuating that she’s having an affair with her boss.  He can tell this because the passenger’s seat of her car was moved when he went to use it.  She explains why this is ridiculous:

“Babe, I work 18 fucking hours a day.  And you get to stay home and sit on your ass while our kid sleeps.  It’s 8am and I won’t get home until after 2am.  The fact that you think I have the fucking energy to consider cheating on you is insane.  Do you know what I fucking gave up to be with you?  And after you cheated on me anyway?  I would not do this.  We have a child together, and another one on the way.  You know I would never do this.”


She starts explaining how her boss moves her car for her every day so she doesn’t have to pay for parking.  And that her boyfriend (husband?  fiancee?  future murderer?) knows this.  The reason the passenger seat was moved was because he took someone else to their car because they were done with their day, as opposed to this poor woman who would have a whole second job ahead of her once the shift is over.


The idiot guy just talked in circles and repeated his insinuations and insisted she didn’t care about his feelings, but wouldn’t listen to her.  She begged him to trust her, to listen to her, to have faith in their relationship and her dedication to him as a part of their family.  She says when he gets like this, it makes her feel like he’s cheating again.  Please keep in mind that I am silent and just driving, as I’m not a part of this.


She hangs up the phone because they’re not getting anywhere, and asks for my advice.  She explains the situation that I already understood, because she doesn’t realize I’m an excellent eavesdropper.  “What would you do in this situation?”

I told her my honest advice.  That right now, it doesn’t make sense to engage about it, because emotions are running high and people have a difficult time listening to reason when that happens.  But also, her suspicion of him seems spot on.  I told her that while I know nothing about their dynamic, it seems like he’s trying to blame her for something that didn’t happen, to deflect blame or guilt on his behalf.  18 hours a day at home with a child that can’t speak to tell you what he’s seen?  Seems like the perfect opportunity for a scumbag to cheat.


I told her I’d wait a few days until things were more calm, and set a list of goals for the conversation before starting it.  Ensure that his feelings are valid and get to the root of why he doesn’t trust her.  He clearly doesn’t trust her, and he is very possibly cheating, and she deserves better than that.

“You’re totally right,” she says.  I was engaged to a really rich guy when I met him.  He doesn’t have a pot to piss in.  But I fell in love, and I was set for life with my ex.  He took me to the fanciest places, we’d fly all the time.  I gave it all up for him.  You’re totally right.  I do deserve better.”  She grabs the phone to call him back again.  “Carlos, I’m leaving you.  Have your shit packed by the time I’m home tonight.  Don’t try to leave with my son because the cops will be escorting me home tonight.  I gotta go, I’m at work now.”


She completely misinterpreted my advice!  I wanted the family to stay together but I wanted her d-bag man to clean up his act!  Did I just break up a family?  At any rate, I feel like I could’ve said anything at all, and she would’ve pieced together a way to leave her man.  It seemed like that was her plan all along, which I totally respect.  You can only take so much.

“Thanks for the advice, I’ll be sure to give you five stars.”


You’ve done some great work here today.  This is a breakthrough.  I’ll see you the same time next week?

RIDESHARE TIP #90210: Your driver is not your therapist, but please know you’re a strong intelligent woman.


An UberPOOL Love Story

One of the things that annoys me most about driving for a rideshare company is their pool features.  If you’re not in a major metro area, it may not be available to you, so I’ll briefly explain:  for a little less money, you can share your Uber or Lyft potentially with other people who are headed generally in the same direction.  It takes longer, but if you’re all about the bottom line and don’t mind fraternizing with the freakshow general public, this is your deal.  For Uber it’s called UberPOOL, for Lyft it’s call LyftLine.  Most of the time, people don’t want to talk to each other, so it’s twice the social awkwardness for half the price.


But every now and then, you get someone who wants to talk.  I once had a great conversation with a guy and a girl and they ended up exchanging numbers.  That was maybe the only time it was a good trip.


One of the things that makes it awkward, is that people often don’t realize that there is already someone in the car, so they don’t know where to sit.  Sane people tend to sit in the rear passenger side seat, which is perfect.  But sometimes they’ll sit up with me, which I hate.  I can not stress it enough:  your driver wants you to sit in the back seat, no matter how cool of a passenger you are.  Trust me on this.  Without realizing, you may start to forget that you’re not in your friend’s car.


Sometimes people open the door without looking and see that someone’s in that seat, then walk all the way around the car.  It’s weird, uncomfortable and awkward.

One morning I’m in a Northwest suburb in the valley and a girl orders an UberPOOL, and naturally, I’m immediately in a bad mood.  I make a lot less money on these trips, and I’m already in a zone that has probably never surged, ever.  How much fucking cheaper do you need the ride to be?


So I ask her if she meant to do a Pool trip, because sometimes they do it accidentally.  She says it’s fine.  And I can’t help but think, “Is it?  You cheap prick?”

They add another passenger and when I go to pick him up, he of course tries to enter the wrong side, and the girl is still in that seat, buckled in.  He opens the door and shouts “WHAT THE FUCK MAN???” and slams the door shut.  Oh, hell no.


So he comes around to the rear driver’s side and gets in.  “This never happened to me before,” he says angrily.  And I’m like, dude?  Get real.  You’re probably paying $2.00 for this ride and I’m making far less than that.  You ordered a Pool, get over it.  Sometimes you get lucky and have it to yourself, but the price is lower because sometimes you do have to share it.

The car is now completely silent as the two, in classic UberPOOL style, completely try to ignore each other.  That’s when the guy speaks up.

“Sooooo, um……. How have you been?”




These two have a past.


She responds in a sullen, depressed tone, “I’ve… I’ve been good.  How about you?”  You can almost hear the acoustic rom-com magical moment music playing as you read this, can’t you?  I’m thinking something from Sheryl Crow.

They start to talk a little, and they’re only together in the car for a few minutes.  Long enough for him to invite her to a party that weekend, which she tentatively agrees to.

I have to drop off the guy first, so we get to his address and he tells her it was good seeing her, and that he’s looking forward to this weekend, and she says the same.  He exits, and she rolls up her window and just about explodes, almost crying.

“That guy is such a fucking asshole!”  I agree, lady.  But what is YOUR reasoning?


“That was my ex boyfriend.  He dumped me after he hooked up with my best friend.  Then to get out of it, he told everyone in my sorority that we broke up because I was pregnant to his best friend.  He’s such a lying dickhead!  He fucking ruined my life!”


RIDESHARE TIP #21418:  If you’re looking to dodge an ex, don’t use UberPOOL a block away from him in your teeny tiny suburb.